Marriage

"Dru" (therealkennyd)
12/20/2016 at 17:22 • Filed to: None

Wife is mad. Asked if mad at me. Said “I don’t know.”

A decade and a half of romantic interactions with women and I am still as clueless at 28 as I was at 13.

There’s mah Toyota for your time.

DISCUSSION (83)

ttyymmnn > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:28

When your wife says, “What?” it’s not that she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change your answer.

Also, if a man says something in the forest, and his wife isn’t there to hear him, is he still wrong?

After 26 years of marriage, I don’t even ask any more. I just hide.

TysMagic > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:28

the Toyota won’t ever be mad at you. It may break, but you’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong. Good ol toyota, always direct.

LongbowMkII > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:30

Either A) ask again. Now she WILL be mad at you. Or b) ignore it. She may not be mad at you, and this will work. Or she’ll be more mad at you.

Best idea I can think is to do a chore around the house either the one you forgot or something just to lower her stress.

Dru > TysMagic
12/20/2016 at 17:31

Yea. AND the Toyota is 4 years older than the wife.

Tripper > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:32

It may not be the best idea, but I’m impatient. When my wife does that I keep pushing the button until it explodes in my face.

vicali > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:32

Kinja'd!!!

What’d you do?

E90M3 > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:33

I don’t have these problems cause I haven’t met anyone dumb enough to date me, let alone marry me.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:36

I hate the games they play. Sometimes I just say hey when ur ready to talk let me know, otherwise I’m gunna go mow the lawn (or whatever else I want to do that does involve harassing her for an answer)

Dru > Tripper
12/20/2016 at 17:37

I’m well on my way...

Dru > vicali
12/20/2016 at 17:38

Trying to find out.

Dru > E90M3
12/20/2016 at 17:39

Well, what are you doing right now? I’m sitting on my couch recounting everything I did or didn’t do as of late. A single man shan’t have these issues.

Dru > OPPOsaurus WRX
12/20/2016 at 17:40

I think you’ve been married longer than me, and y’all have chirren. I’m guessing it never stops?

Tripper > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:40

I can’t handle the awkwardness of not knowing. I’d rather her flip out than spend any more time wondering haha.

Stephenson Valve Gear > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:45

I’ve been married 25 years. To the same woman. All I can tell you is to be constructive when you fight... not destructive. We have both learned a lot about getting along with each other during the past quarter century. Other than that, I am also still as clueless as I was at 13.

Matt Nichelson > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:45

Ha! Welcome to marriage. Good luck with that.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:45

Funny story about my 4Runner today to cheer you up. My Dad tried to drive mine to deliver a package to our neighbor back in the woods. It wouldn’t start. No turnover, nothing. Hooked the charger up to it, said it was fully charged. I got home, it started right up. Apparently he fiddled with the battery enough, but gave up before it started. The P.O. shortened the positive battery cable for some reason(I’ve learned lots of things about him), and I’ve had to buy an extender. Apparently it got knocked loose.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:46

Nope.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Tripper
12/20/2016 at 17:48

That’s my problem O get angry which make her want to talk even less, which makes me more angry and the whole thing escalates until one of us cries or brakes something you can guess which one does which.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:51

My wife’s favorite thing to do when not happy is to look away, shake her head, and when pressed say, with zero ounce of sincerity, “It’s fine.”

Dru > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
12/20/2016 at 17:52

It’s like you’ve been in my house.

vicali > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
12/20/2016 at 17:53

..and drop a toyota key into the garburator..

Dru > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies
12/20/2016 at 17:54

That’s quite odd. I had a starter fail on my ‘94 once. Before I could afford the repair, I had to turn the key several times and eventually it would start. They can take an amazing amount of abuse.

E90M3 > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:54

Sitting in my parents house looking for a job, it’s been a super shitty year.

Chariotoflove > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:55

If you were a good husband, you would just know .

I’ve been told recently that there are unspoken expressions that I am supposed to be reading.

Tripper > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles
12/20/2016 at 17:55

I just figure that I’m safe to annoy her until she tells me. I know that I have not done anything really bad, so why wonder?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:55

Well, it’s all part of the deal. I’m sure being married to me has its downsides.

Dru > E90M3
12/20/2016 at 17:55

I’ve actually been following your posts. Did the tanking price of oil wreck your industry?

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:57

My distributer makes a nice zip tie holder for the plug wires that don’t hold.

Dru > Chariotoflove
12/20/2016 at 17:57

*stares blankly into the darkness of night*

I can usually read her like a book. The only thing I can figure I did was remind her our bank account is low so hold off on last minute holiday errands till Thursday.

RPM esq. > Dru
12/20/2016 at 17:58

Asking that question in my house tends to turn “I don’t know” into “I am now,” so I tread carefully.

ETA: no I don’t, I ask every time and usually twice, because I want to fix all possible problems immediately and permanently, which works a lot better with, like, squeaky doors or computer issues than it does with humans.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > OPPOsaurus WRX
12/20/2016 at 17:59

That’s the good part. When you’re pushed to your limit, you’re so mad that you put that energy to use somewhere to burn off steam. A cold beer on hand helps too.

E90M3 > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:00

Yeah, I worked for a service company. I was a frac engineer and work pretty much dried up, so I got laid off. It wasn’t immediate, but I got let go as a result of the crash.

Dru > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
12/20/2016 at 18:00

Being married to anyone is challenging, let alone a lunchbox driving space lobster

Dru > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies
12/20/2016 at 18:01

Haha. Could you just replace the wires?

Chariotoflove > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:01

Well at least you have a clue to work with.

Also, picking up an extra Christmas present might not go amiss. . .after Thursday, of course.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:02

I could, but that would require a few dollars and extra effort.

Dru > RPM esq.
12/20/2016 at 18:02

Ditto. I ain’t scared of her.

ETA: I’m terrified pls halp.

Dru > E90M3
12/20/2016 at 18:03

It’s insane the overall economy improves and yet such a specialized field gets let go. Chemical engineer?

vicali > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:04

Jokes aside, we’ve all been there.

Let her cool off, discuss, if you need to cool off do it, discuss, take a break, discuss... always with the discuss.. Listen to what is wrong- don’t get frustrated, discuss, and on and on.. come up with some ideas, try to figure it out.

There is no playbook, take as long as you both need.. We try not to go to sleep angry, but ymmv..

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:04

She’ll regret the day we get a nicer house with more space. I’m thinking six cars, minimum.

Dru > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies
12/20/2016 at 18:05

Effort. Bane of my existence.

E90M3 > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:06

Yup, I’m a ChemE. It’s either they want someone with experience in the field, which I don’t have experience in, or I haven’t been able to convince people my skills are transferable.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:06

It’s overrated that’s what it

RPM esq. > Tripper
12/20/2016 at 18:08

I do this a lot.

Dru > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
12/20/2016 at 18:08

Wouldn’t that cost like 7.2 Jillion dollars up yonder?

Sweet Trav > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:14

I’ve found that if I just have a regular dialogue my SO and we talk about our issues in an open way, this type of thing rarely happens

yamahog > Sweet Trav
12/20/2016 at 18:19

NAH THAT’S CRAZY TALK BRO, WIMMIN R SO MYSTERIOUS

RPM esq. > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:21

It’s actually sort of endearing that they don’t realize that we big strong men are scared shitless of them 90% of the time.

Tazio, Count Fouroff > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:21

re the original post...if she doesn’t specify then it’s *you,* bruh

ime: angry about someone else — you’re gonna hear *all* about it starting immediately (it’s a smart move to memorize the basic plot elements haha).

Or else overhear her on the phone with a girlfriend..uhm, female friend...about it.

RPM esq. > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:22

Speaking as a fellow resident of Up Yonder whose fondest wish is that he had a sizeable garage, I’m going to butt in and say Probably Yes.

Dru > Sweet Trav
12/20/2016 at 18:29

Typically we can. I think she’s just mad in general because we’re broke and it’s nearly Christmas.

vicali > Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies
12/20/2016 at 18:31

held the dizzycap on with cable ties before..

Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:32

I’ve been married 5 years and change. Before that I was a phone drone in various call centers for a decade and a half. It’s amazing how the skills they teach in call centers are transferable to relationships.

Instead of asking “mad at me,” try, “what can I do to fix it?”

And then listen. Listen listen listen listen. Seriously. Then listen some more.

Dru > yamahog
12/20/2016 at 18:33

It’s pretty rare that we can’t just talk. But sometimes she reserves the right to just be in a bad mood (her words). I think it’s because we’re so broke this close to Christmas

vicali > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:33

Been there; Smack the starter (it’s just behind the passenger wheel) with a big rock.. Starts perfect. Your contacts and brushes are worn out. Eventually you need a starter rebuild/new one.

Dru > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection
12/20/2016 at 18:35

That’s actually good advice. Unfortunately I think the only thing I could do to remedy this is to make money magically appear. I’m not confident in my burglary skills, so I’ll keep thinking.

Tripper > RPM esq.
12/20/2016 at 18:43

Ya gotta, I hate wasting time haha.

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > Dru
12/20/2016 at 18:54

That’s actually not a bad answer from her, the way I see it. Sometimes it takes time to piece together exactly why you’re upset...my wife generally will tell me something like ‘I’m upset, give me a little while to collect my thoughts’. I’ll take that or ‘I don’t know why I’m upset’ a million times out of a million over just yelling.

jimz > E90M3
12/20/2016 at 19:12

likewise. being non-social contributes mightily.

jimz > Dru
12/20/2016 at 19:13

that’ll do it. this is typically my least favorite time of the year, for various reasons.

E90M3 > jimz
12/20/2016 at 19:30

My job in the oil field was rough, 6 days on 3 days off, alternating between days and nights. Had hard to meet people when you schedule is all fucked up. I did end up falling for another engineer, but I fucked up with that one, somewhere. I really don’t want to post too much about it cause the more I think about it the more it sucks and it’s too personal for oppo. I really wish I could ask her some questions now, but she will never speak to me again.

After I got laid off, I took a trip back to Georgia in my 128i. My sister had been begging me to come down to Savannah to visit her, so I finally did. There I met one of her friends, there was a mutual attraction. After that I went back to Texas and when I had some interviews come up in GA, I drove back in the M3. I drove down to Savannah again to see her. Spent the weekend with her and agreed to date. I guess a couple of days later she decided that she didn’t want to do the long distance thing and ended it.

I swear I never win. 2016 has not been kind to me. Ironically, I just had a job interview that would have me living in Savannah, so might have to talk to that girl again, if I do get this job.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > yamahog
12/20/2016 at 19:39

ITZ THEIR WIMIN PARTS THEY ALWAYS CAUSE THE HYSTERIAS WHICH WHY MENFOLK CALL TJW REMOVAL OF WOMINSZ PARTS HYSTERECTOMY. MORE LIKE HIS-TURN-TO-WRECK-ME AMIRITE?

IS THIS FEMINIST OR MENENIST? YOULL NEVER KNOW JUST LIKE WHAT HAPPENED DOWN A FORGOTTEN LOGGING ROAD 50 MILES WEST OF CHATTANOOGA!

Wacko > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection
12/20/2016 at 19:43

That sounds like work.

Dru > jimz
12/20/2016 at 19:59

Agreed. I always try to enjoy it but I just wind up eating too much and drinking too much.

gergey - Wishes vette was Datsun > Dru
12/20/2016 at 20:08

I’ve had multiple previous girlfriends accuse me of loving whatever car I was currently driving more than them.

In other news, I’ve had a camshaft in a box sitting on my kitchen table for over a month and am single.

jimz > Dru
12/20/2016 at 20:11

my problem is that we’ve let ourselves be conditioned into believing how much we care about each other should be demonstrated by how much shit we can buy for each other. hell, I’m not religious but I grew up going to a Catholic school, and would happily go to midnight mass and a large family dinner instead of listening to people (who don’t really have the money) worry if they “spent enough.”

RallyWrench > yamahog
12/20/2016 at 20:38

HEY HOW KIN U TALK TO HIM LIEK THAT U DONT KNOW HIM

yamahog > RallyWrench
12/20/2016 at 20:47

( ° °)

yamahog > RPM esq.
12/20/2016 at 20:54

it’s pretty obvious

Dru > jimz
12/20/2016 at 20:54

Right there with you. Gifts are going to be sparse this year. Both by design and by necessity.

Dru > gergey - Wishes vette was Datsun
12/20/2016 at 20:54

Geez. If I leave newly procured diecast cars on the kitchen table too long I get the death stare.

Dru > yamahog
12/20/2016 at 20:59

She just wanted to be upset for a while. I think the reality of being broke 5 days before Christmas was/is pretty tough.

cluelessk > Dru
12/20/2016 at 23:17

Money issues fucking suck when it comes to relationships.

Me and my Girlfriend and 3 years wanna move in together but money issues have me worried.

pip bip - choose Corrour > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection
12/21/2016 at 05:07

listening is overrated!

;)

Rykilla303 > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection
12/21/2016 at 13:17

Sure beats my reply... “then i guess i dont know if i care...” LOL

Rykilla303 > Dru
12/21/2016 at 13:22

I have an unhelpful suggestion that does work for me. If my wife won’t be specific, then I won’t take action. Ill advised? childish? sure. but after 11 years, we’re still fine. Can’t expect your SO to be a mind reader.

LongbowMkII > Sweet Trav
12/21/2016 at 17:09

That’s a good plan A. However, this sounds like a plan B situation.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Dru
12/21/2016 at 17:16

“Wife is mad. Asked if mad at me. Said “I don’t know.””

And that’s a bullshit response.

You probably did something really minor that is making her way more mad than it would for most other people... and that’s probably why she doesn’t want to tell you... because it would make her look ridiculous.

And that reminds me of another reason why I won’t ever get married again.

If you don’t tip toe around her feelings, not only can it bring on emotional hardship, but it can also bring on financial hardship if she decides that your reaction to her feelings is something worth getting divorced over.

And don’t forget about the Christmas factor. XMas time is the WORST time of year for this type of thing because people set unrealistic expectations.

And it reminds me about a story about the previous owner of my house.

When they’d argue, she’d often use the threat of divorce to get her way. Unfortunately she chose to do that on an XMas morning and he just got completely fed up and had enough and said “You want a divorce? Fuck it... let’s get divorced”.

And not long after, their house was on the market and I was the one who bought it.

And after the deal was done, I had a talk with him and he told me this story.

I firmly believe that being happy is a choice. And I’ve observed that many people put way too much effort into being miserable.

I have been in relationships with women who put in too much effort into being miserable.

I have been in situations where I got tired of it and said “You said before that you were unhappy because of X. Well X got resolved but you were still unhappy. Then you said you were unhappy because of Y. Well Y got resolved and you were still unhappy. Now you say Z is the reason you are unhappy. I DISAGREE. You are unhappy because you are putting effort into being unhappy. What will it REALLY take for you to be happy???”

In my view, if she’s mad and not tell you what’s wrong, that’s on her. Try not to let it get you down and try to count your blessings and take stock of the good things in your life. And if she talks to you in a verbally abusive way, tell her that you don’t like her verbally abusive tone and when she’s ready to speak to you in a calm way and like you are someone she loves, then you can talk.

And then walk away from her.

I’m a strong advocate of walking away from people who try to push your buttons or who try to make you walk on eggshells.

The Compromiser > Dru
12/21/2016 at 17:29

I get, “what do you think?”

I reply with,”Nope!” Then I carry on like everything is great.

I get hit a lot...

Dru > The Compromiser
12/21/2016 at 19:56

I like your style.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Dru
12/22/2016 at 00:57

I’m the one with children. It mostly stops when she leaves, you find a note on the kitchen counter that she wrote accusing you of shit you didn’t do, then you get split up and then you focus on moving on and getting back to a happy place and realize you can be happy whether your single or in a relationship. And once you realize THAT, then handling relationships becomes a lot easier because the emotional blackmail stops working.

I’ve been in relationships since my marriage ended where the girl tried using the threat of splitting up... and I would call her on it every time and walk away if necessary. I don’t do threats. I don’t play games. I will take you at your word. If your words don’t match your actions and I will point that out. If you try to make a problem like that my problem, I’ll walk.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Chariotoflove
12/22/2016 at 01:05

It was that kind of thing that led to my last breakup.

Her: “You need to read me better”

Me: “No. You need to say what you mean and mean what you say.”

Chariotoflove > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
12/22/2016 at 08:58

Right?